Happy Holidays, Mom and Dad! You Got a Will?
Ahhhhh…it’s that time of year again. The season of the never-ending half-eaten holiday baskets in the breakroom, that damn dog-barking-to-Jingle-Bells song everywhere you go (seriously, does anyone really like that song?!), and a whole lotta family members confined to a very small indoor space for a prolonged period of time.
You can probably rattle off the exact conversations that will be had around the table and afterwards on the couch as everyone settles into their respective food comas. It’s too bad because all too often we miss the opportunity to use this time to have some really meaningful and important conversations. Ones that bind us together in a time when everything seems to be coming unglued. Most of us are sort of trained to keep the chit chat to things like college sports, how work is going, New Year’s Eve plans, and maybe a little community gossip mixed in for good measure. Lord help us if we veer into politics.
But maybe this year we should have the courage to initiate some particularly deep conversations about more thoughtful, provocative topics. These are 3 of my recommended themes:
If you could choose one award to win (real or made-up), what would you pick and why?
Who is someone you really admire and why?
Have you done your will and other end-of-life planning?
Ohhh, just settle down there, Kemosabe!! You’re thinking, “How in the WORLD do I bring up death and dying while we’re trying to celebrate the holidays?? M-O-R-B-I-D!!” But it’s not, really! Listen, we’re all terminal, so let’s just call a spade a spade already. Let’s get real about it and throw that big elephant right out the window. Trust me… your family will be so glad you did, because most of them want to have that very same conversation and yet no one knows how to broach the subject. And be honest… how many times have you wondered whether your aging parents or siblings have wills? So many people are silently freaking out at the thought of what they may inherit…not in terms of assets…but rather in terms of the nightmare of administering an estate that had virtually no plan in place.
I mean, think about it, we’re all so busy with jobs, kids in every type of after school activity under the sun, volunteer work, home maintenance projects, kids’ homework assignments, pet maintenance, taking care of aging parents, and a million other things. Add on top of that list administering an estate for an out of state loved one where you have no idea if there was a will, where the assets are, what creditors exist out there, and who the beneficiaries of certain retirement plans and insurance policies are…and you want to run for the hills.
Here’s the deal. It doesn’t have to be that way. Finding it in yourself to have the conversation with your mom or dad (or other family member whose estate you’ll likely be responsible for) can mean the difference between them having a well thought out and effective estate plan that does what they want it to do…and a total disaster of an estate that just didn’t work and that ends up costing a ton of money in lawyers’ fees and court costs. Yuck.
Find a way that feels natural to you to bring up the topic of estate planning…at the right time. You’re smoooooth…you can do this. But you know what’s really easy? Letting them know that you are in the process of…or have just concluded the process of…your own estate planning. You’ll have much more cred if you let them know you’ve taken care of your own business when you ask them about theirs.
Here are some possible icebreakers:
“Hey, Dad…Val and I are working with a lawyer to get our wills done, and unlike this eggnog, it was pretty sobering to realize what happens if things are not in good order upon death. Have you and Mom taken care of your plan?”
“I read somewhere that it’s a lot more expensive to die without a will than with one. The last thing I want to do is have my estate pay a lawyer more than necessary. Have you done yours? No? Well, what do you say we hold each other accountable and get our wills and other documents done?”
“That pecan pie is so good, it's gonna be the death of me! Speaking of dying, you guys done your wills yet?”
If they haven’t done their wills, encourage them to do so. Maybe even help them find a good lawyer in their area who specializes in estate planning and probate. If they have done their documents, then gracefully move to the following set of questions:
Where do you keep your estate planning documents? (Even better if they’ll agree to give you a copy of them.)
If something happened to you, where would I look to find a list of your assets and liabilities so that I could properly administer your estate?
Would you mind sharing with me where you keep your password list so that if I ever need to assist you with your accounts, I can?
Are you sure that the beneficiary designations for your retirement plans and/or life insurance policies are up to date and say what you want them to say?
Were you pleased with the lawyer who assisted you with your document? Would you recommend that I contact them to help me probate your estate when the time comes? (If the answer is yes, be sure to get their name and contact information. And if the answer is no, you can simply find a good probate attorney to assist you when the time comes.)
Life support or no life support if you’re in a vegetative state…what’s your pref?
Do you want to be buried or cremated? And do you want some sort of a memorial service? If so, tell me what that looks like to you and whether or not it involves mariachis, because I personally love mariachis.
I guarantee you that if you bring it up from a place of love, it will be received well, your family member(s) will feel so much more protected having clued you in on the details of their plan, and you will be able to sleep much easier at night. And if you get shut down…at least you tried. And you get to have an extra slice of pumpkin pie for your efforts.
