What to Do in the First 72 Hours After Someone Dies
(You do not have to handle everything by next Tuesday)
Picture yourself standing in a hospital room, trying to process the fact that your spouse is gone. Within what feels like minutes, someone is asking which funeral home you want to use. Then somebody else wants to know whether he wanted to be buried or cremated. Then somebody asks if you know where the will is, and you're thinking: will, what?
You are being asked to make decisions that belong to a person whose brain is operating normally. Yours probably isn't.
That's why I wanted to do this episode. In my 25 years of representing people in probate matters, I've learned a lot about how people process grief, and I've found that folks are usually in one of two camps. One camp thinks everything needs to be dealt with by next Tuesday. The other is so incapacitated by grief that they have a hard time remembering to eat.
When somebody dies, you do not have to handle everything right away. But there are some things that really do need attention during those first few days, and the good news is that they're much more basic than people think.
What the First Few Days Are Really About
You are taking physical care of the person who died. You are taking care of the people and animals who are still here. You are beginning to protect property, and you're starting to gather information. That's the whole list.
Where the Death Happens Matters
If someone dies in a hospital or a nursing facility, the staff will usually guide the family through the immediate next steps. They handle the pronouncement of death and whatever notifications are legally required. At some point they will ask which funeral home or cremation provider should come take custody of the body.
If the person dies at home, what happens depends very much on the circumstances. If your mother has been receiving hospice care and everybody knows she is nearing the end of life, hospice will generally have already told the family who to call and what to expect. A funeral home or cremation provider is then contacted to take custody of the body.
When a Death Is Sudden or Unexplained
That's a different situation entirely. Call 911 and let emergency personnel take it from there. Depending on the circumstances and the law where you live, a medical examiner or coroner may need to become involved, but that process will sort of take care of itself.
In that situation, this is not the moment to start cleaning. I know that sounds crazy or obvious, but people do strange things when they're in shock, and understandably so. They start straightening rooms, gathering up medications, moving things because relatives are coming over. If the death was unexpected, leave the surroundings alone until the appropriate authorities tell you otherwise.
Choosing a Funeral Home Without Planning the Whole Funeral
One of the first real decisions is where the body goes. I think people sometimes feel that choosing a funeral home means they now have to plan the entire funeral by lunchtime. You do not. You simply need to get the body into the care of someone who can help with the next steps. The obituary can wait. The flowers can wait. The seating chart can wait.
Before anyone starts making expensive or emotional decisions, ask a very basic question: did the person who died already make any of these choices? You'd be surprised how often families spend hours debating what dad would have wanted and then discover that dad prepaid for a funeral five years ago and left the paperwork in a filing cabinet without telling anybody.
So look for:
Burial or cremation instructions
Prepaid funeral contracts
Information about a cemetery plot
Military service benefits
A note to the family, maybe kept with the will if there is one
And if you're listening to this while perfectly healthy, consider this my gentle public service announcement: create a folder called "Funeral, Do Not Panic," and then tell somebody where it is.
You Are Grieving, But You Are Also a Consumer
Families are understandably vulnerable when they sit down with a funeral home. Because you're making these decisions while grieving, federal law gives consumers some very specific protections when buying funeral goods and services. Funeral homes generally must give you an itemized general price list, and you have the right to choose the goods and services you actually want instead of being forced into an all-inclusive package.
If somebody tells you something is required, it is perfectly reasonable to ask: is that required by law, or is that just recommended by you? People can spend thousands of dollars very quickly while operating on the four functioning brain cells they have at that moment. So ask for prices, ask questions, and take somebody with you who can listen and take notes. Before you personally sign a funeral contract, make sure you understand exactly what you're agreeing to pay and whether you're taking on any personal financial responsibility. I know that's a lot to ask when you're grieving, but it's an important contract.
Who Actually Has Authority
Families often assume there must be one person who instantly becomes the legal quarterback: the executor, the eldest child, the surviving spouse, somebody. But the law doesn't always work that way.
A will may name someone as executor, but that doesn't mean the person has immediate authority over everything the moment death occurs. The executor may need to be formally appointed by a probate court before having full authority over probate property. That doesn't mean nothing can happen until then. It means authority may be divided. A trustee may already have authority over assets held in a trust. A joint account owner may have rights to an account. A surviving spouse may have certain rights.
The person legally entitled to control the remains may be someone else entirely. If someone has signed a document called something like a designation of agent to control disposition of remains, that document may identify who makes decisions about burial and cremation. If there's no such document, state law typically supplies a default hierarchy. The exact order varies by state, but it commonly starts with a surviving spouse, then adult children, then parents, then siblings.
If you've been handling your mom's finances for the last five years under a durable power of attorney, that authority stops when she dies. The power of attorney does not morph into some sort of executor document. Death changes the legal relationship.
Secure the House, Feed the Pets
Then there's the physical stuff. If the person lived alone, someone needs to know who has the keys. Someone may need to make sure the heat or air conditioning is working, that the refrigerator isn't full of food that's going to rot, that the mail isn't piling up, and that the alarm system gets set. If there are firearms, medications, jewelry, or cash, somebody needs to make sure they're secure. That might mean a safe deposit box, a fireproof safe at home, or simply a box under the bed, out of sight.
And then there are the pets. My gosh, the pets. This is one of the most important first-day questions and one of the easiest to forget. Who is feeding the dog tonight? Does the cat need medication? Who's their vet?
The same preservation mindset applies to everything else in the house. This is not the moment to distribute property by any means.
“The first few days are about preserving, not dividing.”
If you feel it's necessary, take pictures. Walk through the house with your phone and make videos of the contents and the condition of the house. You're not accusing anyone of anything. You're just creating a record, because six months later, when somebody says there was a Rolex in the top drawer, you'll want to be able to say whether there was.
Gather the Paperwork, and Keep a Record
Now comes the paperwork, which is where somebody says, "Where's the will?" The will is important, and so is any trust agreement. But you're also going to be looking for recent bank accounts, brokerage statements, retirement account information, life insurance policies, deeds, vehicle titles, and tax returns. Was there a safe deposit box? A prepaid funeral contract? Who was the lawyer, the CPA, the financial advisor?
I put all of this in the seventy-two hour conversation, but the gathering of assets doesn't necessarily have to happen in the first few days. The securing of the assets does: locking the house, knowing where the car is, taking care of the pets. If you do feel the responsibility to start figuring out what the person owned and what they owed, that's fine, but it can come with a little time.
What you should not do is start throwing anything away, certainly not paperwork because it looks old or unimportant. This is not the moment to declutter. That random statement may be the only evidence anybody has that the person owned an account nobody knew about, and that unopened envelope may hold the clue that leads you to a life insurance policy. You can throw things away later.
Pick One Place and Write Everything Down
While you're gathering, do yourself an enormous favor and start keeping a record. It does not need to be fancy. A notebook, a notes file on your phone, a spreadsheet, a folder, whatever. Just pick one place. Write down who you called, when you called them, who you spoke with, and what they told you. Keep confirmation numbers, and keep copies of anything you send. If you personally spend money on something related to the death or the property, like a utility bill or a mortgage payment, keep the receipt. That documentation will get you paid when the time is right.
This sounds incredibly mundane until three weeks from now, when somebody asks who you talked to at the insurance company. You'll absolutely believe you're going to remember that the woman's name was Jennifer and that Jennifer told you to call back Thursday. Then you won't remember Jennifer. Write down Jennifer. Estate administration can involve dozens of little conversations spread over months, and the sooner you create one place where the information lives, the happier your future self will be.
Death Certificates: The Backstage Pass
At some point the funeral home will talk to you about death certificates. I've called them the backstage pass to the administrative side of death. They get you in the door to talk to people and give you access to information. Banks may want them, insurance companies will likely want them, retirement plans may want them, and the probate court is going to need one.
People always ask how many certified copies to order, and there's no single right answer. Until I know more about the estate, I generally say twenty or twenty-five, but it depends on the person's assets and how many institutions will require one. You can always order more. It's just nice to get a stack in one fell swoop so you don't have to think about it anymore. Also ask whether an institution needs an original or will take a copy.
Before you order a pile of them, make sure the information is correct. Names, dates, marital status, identifying information: check it all.
Obituaries, Phone Calls, and Your Family's Security
Somewhere around this point, somebody is probably going to say you need to put the obituary online. There may be an obituary, a memorial service announcement, a Facebook post. I'd encourage you not to treat it like breaking news.
“There is no prize for getting the obituary online first.”
Call the people who deserve to hear about the death from a human being before they learn about it while scrolling on Instagram. If the person had siblings, very close friends, adult children, or others who would reasonably expect that call, decide who's going to contact them and divide the job among family members if necessary. There's nothing legal about this, but people can feel a real rush to get the obituary printed and online, and it can hurt feelings. You don't need one emotionally devastated person making 37 phone calls.
When you do publish an obituary, remember you're putting information on the internet for the entire world to see. You do not need to include every fact anyone might ever want to know. Be thoughtful about things like an exact home address, or a combination of identifying details such as full date of birth, birthplace, and mother's maiden name, which are often used as passwords or answers to security questions.
Think about the memorial service announcement from a security standpoint, too. If the obituary tells the entire internet that the service will be Saturday afternoon from two to four, you have also told the entire internet that the family may be away from the house from two to four. People do this all the time, and you see the same thing with NFL players who are playing games on TV. That doesn't mean you shouldn't publish service details. It means somebody should think twice about whether the deceased person's home is secure. Maybe someone should be there, maybe you hire somebody who isn't attending the service to stay at the house.
Death Attracts Scammers
Scammers read obituaries. They know who died, they may know the names of spouses or children, and they may know enough about the family to sound surprisingly legitimate. Someone may call and say your father owed a debt that needs to be paid immediately. Someone may claim to be from a financial institution, an insurance company, the IRS. Because you're grieving and trying desperately to handle things reasonably, the instinct can be to fix whatever problem the caller says exists.
Slow down. Do not give someone a Social Security number, bank account number, passwords, credit card information, or any other sensitive data simply because they seem to know a lot about the person who died. Ask for information in writing. Look up the institution independently and call a phone number you found yourself rather than the one the caller gave you. If your gut says something's not right, pause. And if someone is creating tremendous urgency, telling you that you need to pay this today or there will be consequences, nope.
“Scammers manufacture urgency all the time.”
Money, Debts, and the Urge to Help
One of the first impulses people have after a death is to move money before the bank freezes everything. Do not do that just because someone told you banks freeze accounts. How an account is handled depends on how it's owned. An account in the deceased person's name alone is different from a joint account with a spouse, which is different from a payable on death account, which is different from an account owned by a trust. And having the debit card and knowing the PIN does not mean you're authorized to use that money.
If you are using the decedent's accounts or credit cards to pay for the obituary or death certificates, keep a good record of what's coming and going so you can justify your actions later. You may be thinking that mom would absolutely want you to use her card to pay for the flowers. Maybe she would, but the question is not whether she would approve. The question is whether you have legal authority to use that account after her death. Those are different things.
You Do Not Inherit Debt Just Because You Inherit Assets
A lot of people assume that when dad dies, his bills become the family's bills. They generally do not. If a credit card statement shows up for $8,000, the fact that you're his daughter, even if you're ultimately going to receive everything from his estate, does not automatically mean you personally owe Visa $8,000. It may need to be paid from his estate, but you do not owe it. Debts generally belong to the estate, and there's a process for dealing with valid claims. Creditors are used to the fact that it takes time to figure out what a person had and owed. If you co-signed a debt, that's different, and certain obligations involving spouses can be different depending on state law and what you've signed. But do not start paying every creditor out of your own checking account because you're trying to be responsible.
Some expenses do need attention because they protect people or property. The easiest way to tell is to ask what happens if the bill doesn't get paid this week. If the house becomes uninsured, the electricity gets shut off, a car loses its coverage, or the dog doesn't get his insulin, someone needs to make sure those issues are addressed. That doesn't necessarily mean you pay with the decedent's debit card, because authority still matters.
You're often operating in a gray zone. The financial power of attorney dies with the person, and the executor or administrator hasn't been appointed yet, so technically no one has legal authority to tap into the decedent's accounts or use their credit cards. It's kind of messy sometimes, and we do what we have to. If family members can cover the utility bill or the dog's food, we'll get them reimbursed as part of the estate administration. That's also why you'll probably want to set up an appointment with an attorney sooner rather than later, so you can legally get access to all this. Make sense of it, get a plan, and proceed from there.
If the consequence of not paying a bill this week is simply that MasterCard sends another statement, fine. That can wait until the person with legal authority understands the full estate.
I'd also resist the urge to immediately cancel every credit card and subscription before you understand what's being paid through them. Maybe the electric bill is automatically charged to that card. Maybe the homeowner's insurance is. Maybe there are twelve subscriptions that absolutely can be canceled, but you first need to know what each account is doing.
“Information first, action second.”
Social Security is another area where people think they need to make a frantic phone call. In most cases, the funeral home reports the death to the Social Security Administration. The same is true of pensions and veterans benefits. You want to identify those things, but you don't have to resolve them all during the first weekend.
The Digital Life
The digital life has become a major part of estate administration, and it was barely part of the conversation about 20 years ago. Do not delete the person's email account. Please do not wipe the phone. Do not shut down cloud storage, and don't start deleting social media accounts simply because it feels like something that should be done. That phone may contain two-factor authentication codes for financial accounts. There may be cryptocurrency, online businesses, digital subscriptions, or a password manager. The phone may also clue you into accounts that nobody even knows exist yet. Preserve first, and figure out what you're legally authorized to access later.
What You Do Not Have to Do Yet
This is the most comfortable part of the whole conversation. You do not have to probate the will in three days. You don't have to sell the house, divide the furniture, or determine every creditor. You certainly don't have to sell investments, close every account, or file the final income tax return this week. Nothing good happens when irreversible decisions are made in a rush during the initial shock and the grieving process. There will be time, I promise you.
Let Somebody Help You
I've spent a lot of this episode telling you what you should do, so I want to say one more thing. Maybe you're the widow who just lost the person who slept next to you for 40 years. Maybe you're the son who just watched your mother die, and you're so devastated that you cannot remember whether you've eaten today. If so, perhaps your job is not to do any of this. Your job may be to let somebody who loves you sit next to you with a notebook and help.
Let somebody else make the phone calls. Let somebody else write down Jennifer's name and contact information. Let somebody else make sure the dogs get fed. Let someone come with you to the funeral home and listen to the prices and ask the questions when your brain cannot. And if someone offers to bring dinner, let them, even if you're not hungry.
“Grief is not the ideal mental state for big decisions, and there is no virtue in trying to prove that you can handle everything by yourself.”
The Bottom Line
The first 72 hours are not about completing anything. They're about stabilizing a situation. Once those immediate things are under control, we move into the next chapter, which is estate administration, and that's what we'll talk about next week: what probate actually means, when it's necessary, what an executor does, and how long all of it takes. People tend to think probate is one event. It's really a process, and it does not have to begin while you're still trying to figure out what clothes your father wanted to be buried in.
For now, remember this: take care of the people, protect the property, gather the information, keep a record, and let someone help if you need it, which you will. All the rest can come later.
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This post is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Laws vary by state and situation. For advice specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed attorney in your area.
